Building on Strengths: Why It's Okay If Your Kid Isn't Great at Everything

by MacKenzie Shelton

The first time my daughter brought home a report card with a few As and one glaring C, I did what a lot of parents do. I zeroed in on the C. We had a serious chat about effort and focus and all the things I thought I was supposed to say. Meanwhile, I barely mentioned her top grade in art, or how her teacher had written a glowing comment about her creativity and kindness in group projects.

That night, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d messed up. Not because the C didn’t matter—but because I’d missed the bigger picture. My daughter was thriving in areas that light her up, and instead of celebrating those, I shined a spotlight on where she was stumbling. It’s a common parenting instinct: find the weakness and fix it. But maybe we’ve got it backwards.

There’s a theory in child development that’s worth knowing. It’s called the islands of competence approach, and it suggests something refreshingly simple: to help kids thrive, we should focus on what they’re good at.

Coined by psychologist Dr. Robert Brooks, the theory of islands of competence encourages parents, teachers, and caregivers to help children identify and build on their personal strengths. These “islands” might be academic—like reading, math, or science—but they can also be creative, athletic, social, or even emotional. A child might be amazing at puzzles, have a gift for storytelling, or be the one who always notices when a friend is sad and steps in with a hug.

The idea isn’t to ignore weaknesses entirely. It’s to build a foundation of confidence and self-worth that helps kids face their challenges without being defined by them. When a child feels capable in one area, they’re more likely to believe they can improve in others. Strength builds strength.

So often, we focus on the “gaps”—what kids can’t do yet. But every child has strengths. And those strengths are the entry points to motivation, resilience, and a strong sense of identity.

Why Focusing on Strengths Works

Let’s be real—kids don’t get excited about things that make them feel bad. They don’t feel inspired by worksheets they don’t understand or feedback that only points out what they’re doing wrong. What does motivate them? Feeling seen and valued for the things they already do well.

When you acknowledge a child’s talents, you’re not inflating their ego. You’re giving them a foundation. It’s easier to work on spelling when you know someone already thinks you’re a great writer. It’s less scary to try math if someone’s told you how clever your brain is at noticing patterns.

And it’s not just about school. When a kid is praised for being kind, helpful, funny, brave, or curious, they carry that with them. It becomes part of their story. And that story shapes how they see themselves—and how they show up in the world.

One of the most powerful things a parent can do is say out loud, “You’re really good at that.” Not just when the test comes back with an A, but when your child patiently teaches their little brother how to tie a shoe, or creates a wild sculpture out of junk drawer supplies, or gets lost in a book for an hour. These are the moments that deserve our spotlight.

Let the Strengths Lead the Way

Of course, we want our kids to improve in areas where they struggle. But leading with strengths helps them feel safe enough to try. If your son has a hard time with writing but loves drawing, let him illustrate his ideas first. If your daughter struggles with social anxiety but is amazing with animals, let her practice confidence by leading the dog-training routine.

When we follow our kids’ natural interests, we help them build up what Dr. Brooks calls a “resilient mindset.” That mindset says: “I may not be great at this yet, but I know I’m capable. I’ve succeeded before. I can keep going.”

It also reminds parents to chill out a little. You don’t need to raise a child who’s excellent at everything. You need to raise a child who knows what they’re good at, believes in themselves, and trusts that they have value—even if math isn’t their thing or they’re the last to catch on in gym class.

As a parent, your voice becomes their inner voice. So say the good things out loud. Say them often. Be specific. Tell your child you admire how they never give up on a puzzle. Let them know you’re impressed by the way they make people laugh. Celebrate their curiosity, their empathy, their wild ideas. These are not small compliments. They are messages that stick.

It’s Okay to Let Go of Perfect

Somewhere along the way, we absorbed this idea that our job is to sand down every rough edge, to “fix” our kids until they’re polished in all the right ways. But kids aren’t projects. They’re people. And people are gloriously uneven.

So if your child can’t quite grasp multiplication but builds the most intricate LEGO cities you’ve ever seen? That’s a win. If they get nervous during presentations but can talk for hours about bugs, or music, or the characters they’ve made up in their heads? That’s a spark worth protecting.

We don’t need to raise well-rounded robots. We need to raise confident humans who know what they bring to the table—and trust that it’s enough.

Let the strengths shine. Let the weaknesses be what they are: just one part of a much bigger, more interesting picture.