How Community Living with Friends Changed Our Family

by Gordon Thomas Sumner

A few years ago, my partner and I found ourselves in the throes of early parenthood—sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, and craving adult conversation that didn't revolve around diaper brands or sleep schedules. We often fantasized about a communal living situation where our closest friends were just a door away, sharing the joys and burdens of raising children together.

Then, one evening, a house went up for sale right next to our best friends. It felt like the universe was nudging us toward that dream. After some frantic number-crunching and heart-to-hearts, we took the plunge. We bought the house, packed up our lives, and moved in next door to our friends, embarking on a grand experiment in shared living.

The Joys of Built-In Community

Living adjacent to our friends transformed our daily lives in ways we couldn't have imagined. Mornings became communal as we shared coffee and coordinated school drop-offs. Afternoons were filled with impromptu playdates, and evenings often culminated in shared dinners where the kids entertained each other, and the adults enjoyed a semblance of adult conversation.

The emotional support was invaluable. When one of us had a tough day, the others were there with a listening ear or a helping hand. We celebrated milestones together, from first steps to birthdays, creating a tapestry of shared memories that enriched our children's lives.

We’ve also gained a wealth of perspectives that are all shaping our children, influencing who they become. More often than not this is helping us create more well-rounded children, but there are drawbacks as well.

Navigating the Challenges

However, this idyllic setup wasn't without its challenges. Sharing close quarters meant our parenting styles were constantly on display. Differences in discipline, screen time rules, and dietary choices occasionally led to awkward moments and necessary conversations.

If you want other adults to drive your kids to school in an emergency or watch them so you can rest after a rough night, this is the bargain: In exchange for more support, you get less control. Sometimes, your kid might seek comfort from another adult instead of you. Other times, another adult’s authority might overrule your own. And other parents raising kids alongside friends told me about tense debates—such as whether to let kids play with toy guns and whether adults should leave alcohol out in common spaces—as well as routine disagreements about how to share caregiving duties and household space.

There were times when boundaries blurred. One afternoon, our friend's child wandered into our home unannounced, helping himself to snacks and toys. It was a reminder that while we shared many aspects of our lives, maintaining individual family spaces and rules was essential.

Finding the right balance required open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to address issues head-on. We established guidelines to ensure each family felt comfortable and respected within our shared environment.

Securing homes in such close proximity was no small feat. The real estate market was competitive, and aligning our timelines and budgets added layers of complexity. We were fortunate, but we recognize that replicating this model isn't feasible for everyone.

For those considering a similar arrangement, flexibility is key. Whether it's co-housing communities, shared properties, or simply living in the same neighborhood, the goal is to foster a supportive network that alleviates the isolation often felt in modern parenting.

A New Definition of Family

Our shared living experience redefined our concept of family. Our children view our friends as extended family members, and the sense of community has provided them with a stable, nurturing environment.

While we've faced challenges, the benefits have far outweighed them. The collective approach to parenting has lightened the load, provided emotional support, and enriched our lives in countless ways.

In a society that often emphasizes individualism, our experiment in communal living has reminded us of the strength found in togetherness. It's not always easy, but building a village has made all the difference.