Redefining Discipline
by Alexander Tidd
It’s 2025, and we know more about child development than ever before. But one debate still looms large in parenting circles, school pick-up lines, and comment sections everywhere: discipline. Specifically, the question of whether it’s ever okay to spank a child.
For generations, physical punishment was seen as both effective and acceptable. A quick smack on the bottom or a firm grip on the arm was considered a normal—even necessary—part of raising respectful kids. But research is painting a different picture. And more families, educators, and psychologists are coming to the same conclusion: discipline doesn’t have to hurt to work.
A growing body of evidence shows that physical punishment is as harmful as it is outdated. And while that truth can be uncomfortable, especially for those of us who were raised with spankings and tough love, it’s also an opportunity. We now have better tools. Smarter tools. More humane tools. Tools that teach better behavior in the long run.
What the Research Really Says
Multiple studies over the last decade have linked physical punishment to a range of negative outcomes in children. According to research published in the Journal of Pediatrics, children who are spanked regularly are more likely to show increased aggression, anxiety, and behavioral problems. Another study in Child Development found that physical punishment can impair executive functioning—the set of mental skills that includes self-control, flexible thinking, and emotional regulation.
In plain terms: spanking may stop a behavior in the short term, but it teaches kids that force is how you solve problems. It doesn’t build empathy, it doesn’t teach self-control, and it doesn’t model what we want our children to do when they’re upset or overwhelmed.
The American Academy of Pediatrics agrees. Their official stance is physical punishment, including spanking, should be avoided. They recommend strategies that help children understand the consequences of their actions and develop internal motivation to behave without fear of pain or humiliation.
So What Do We Do Instead?
This is where a lot of parents get stuck. If spanking is out, what’s in? We don’t want to raise entitled kids who never hear the word “no.” But we also don’t want to damage our relationship with our children or leave them feeling scared and confused.
The good news is that there are several proven approaches that don’t rely on force or shame and instead focus on being effective and emotionally attuned.
1. Model emotional regulation.
One of the most powerful things a parent can do is show a child what it looks like to stay calm under pressure. When we lose our tempers, slam doors, or raise our voices, we teach kids to do the same. When we take a breath, name our feelings, and respond instead of react, we give them a roadmap.
2. Use natural consequences.
If a child breaks something because they were being careless, have them help fix it or clean it up. If they forget their homework, let them face the result at school. Natural consequences are more effective than punishments because they tie behavior directly to outcomes.
3. Set clear, consistent boundaries.
Kids thrive when they know what to expect. That doesn’t mean rules never change, but it does mean they’re enforced fairly and predictably. Consistency helps children feel secure, and it builds trust, even when they test the limits (which they will).
4. Connect before you correct.
Sometimes what looks like “bad behavior” is actually a cry for attention or a sign of unmet needs. Instead of jumping straight to discipline, try getting on their level. “I see you’re really upset. Can we talk about it?” Kids are far more likely to cooperate when they feel seen and understood.
5. Use logical consequences, not punishments.
Instead of sending a child to their room for throwing a toy, try this: “If you throw toys, I’ll need to put them away for now. We can try again later when you’re ready to use them safely.” It’s respectful, clear, and directly connected to the behavior.
Letting Go of What We Were Taught
For many parents, this shift in discipline requires a serious unlearning. If you were spanked as a child, it might feel instinctive o discipline the same way. And you might wonder: “I turned out okay. What’s the big deal?”
But here’s the thing—okay isn’t the bar. We have the chance to do better, not because our parents failed, but because we now know more. Science, psychology, and our own lived experiences offer new insights. We can honor the good in how we were raised while still choosing different paths for our kids.
And yes, it’s hard. It’s hard to stay calm when you’re sleep-deprived, stressed, and repeating yourself for the tenth time in an hour. But that’s why having tools and support matters. Discipline is about teaching. And teaching takes time, practice, and patience.
Redefining discipline doesn’t mean giving up structure. It means recognizing that punishment and discipline aren’t the same thing. Discipline is about guidance. About helping kids grow into people who understand right from wrong, care about others, and know how to make better choices next time.
That doesn’t happen through fear. It happens through connection, consistency, and a whole lot of practice—on both sides.
The next time your child acts out, try to pause. Breathe. Step back. Ask yourself: “What do I want them to learn from this moment?” If the answer is self-control, respect, empathy, or responsibility, then choose a discipline strategy that reflects those values.
Because how we discipline our children teaches them how to handle power, mistakes, and emotions. And that lesson lasts long after the moment has passed.
