What Happens When Siblings Step Up to Support Parents
by Mackenzie Shelton
Let’s start with a confession: I’ve asked my older kid to “just watch the baby for a sec” more times than I can count. Sometimes it's while I microwave my cold coffee for the third time. Other times, it's just to finish a Zoom call without background screams or to go to the bathroom in peace. In the daily chaos of parenting, those “secs” often stretch a little longer than planned. And while I deeply value the fact that my older child can help, I’ve also started to wonder: when does helping become too much?
In families with multiple kids, it's not unusual for the oldest to step into a kind of assistant-parent role. They might grab snacks, comfort a crying sibling, or referee the 12th disagreement over a toy no one wanted until five minutes ago. And truthfully, having a responsible older child is a gift, especially in a world where many parents are juggling work, household responsibilities, and emotional survival all at once.
But that gift can come with strings. And if we’re not careful, we might unintentionally pile adult-sized pressure on a not-quite-adult back.
Why We Lean on Older Siblings
Parenting is relentless. Even with one child, it’s a full-time job that somehow doesn’t qualify for breaks, sick days, or time to think in complete sentences. Add a few more kids to the mix, and the need for backup becomes not just helpful, but essential.
So when one child is old enough to tie shoes, read stories, or gently distract a fussy toddler? Of course we lean in. It’s survival. It’s teamwork. And in many cultures, it’s completely normal for siblings to care for one another.
There’s also something undeniably sweet about it. Watching your kids develop their own relationship, in which the older sibling teaches the younger how to ride a bike, zip a jacket, or even offer comfort after a hard day, can be one of the most heartwarming parts of parenting. It builds connection. It fosters empathy. And it shows that the household doesn’t revolve around just one person’s needs.
So yes, there’s value in giving older kids responsibility. It helps them feel capable and needed. But like with any job—especially one that’s unpaid and emotionally taxing—there has to be a limit.
The Line Gets Blurry
The trouble starts when the “help” turns into pressure. Sometimes, this situation makes the older sibling feel responsible for calming tantrums, solving arguments, or taking on caregiving tasks that go beyond their age or capacity. In some families, especially those facing financial or logistical strain, the oldest child may begin to carry a disproportionate emotional load—playing therapist, babysitter, or even stand-in parent.
This phenomenon has a name: parentification. It happens when a child takes on the role of a caregiver, often at the expense of their own development. And while it’s more common in homes with serious stressors (think illness, trauma, or financial instability), it can happen in otherwise loving households, too.
The signs can be subtle. An older child who constantly sacrifices their own time, doesn’t express frustration out of fear of burdening you, or seems unusually anxious when something goes wrong might struggle to set limits with younger siblings, or feel guilty for wanting space or independence.
And here’s the hard part: you might not even notice it's happening. After all, they’re so mature. They’re so helpful. They seem fine.
But kids aren’t always great at raising the red flag when they’re overwhelmed. Especially if they think they’re protecting a parent who already has too much on their plate.
Finding the Right Balance
Here’s the good news: you don’t have to stop asking for help. Older siblings can and should be part of the family ecosystem. Helping with chores, reading to little ones, or keeping them occupied for a few minutes? Totally fair.
The key is making sure it doesn’t become a substitute for adult responsibility and that your older child knows they can set boundaries, say no, and still be loved just as much when they’re not being “useful.”
Some simple ways to keep things in check:
Check in often. Ask how they’re feeling about their role in the family. Let them know it’s okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes.
Say thank you. Acknowledge the moments they step up. Kids thrive on being seen, and knowing their effort is appreciated makes a huge difference.
Give them kid time. Make space for them to just be. Whether it’s alone time, playdates, or simply zoning out with a book or show—unstructured time helps them recharge.
Don’t call them “the other parent.” Even jokingly. You might mean it as praise, but it can send the wrong message about expectations.
At the end of the day, our older kids are still kids. Capable? Yes. Caring? Absolutely. But not immune to burnout. They need the freedom to develop at their own pace, make mistakes, and have someone else—us—carry the mental load.
So the next time your big kid steps in to distract the baby or help zip a jacket, go ahead and accept the help. But also offer them the same thing you’re trying to give your toddler: room to grow, space to breathe, and the assurance that they’re loved—no matter how much they "do."
