Coaching, Not Criticizing, Your Kids
by Alexander Tidd
If you’ve ever caught yourself blurting “Don’t do that!” to your kid in a moment of frustration, you’re not alone. Parenting often comes with high stakes and little time. Sometimes, a quick correction is absolutely necessary—especially if your child is about to stick a fork in the outlet or bolt into the street. Direct commands keep them safe, and that’s the job.
But for the everyday conflicts—the spilled milk, the harsh words to a sibling, the refusal to share—there’s another path that works better than constant reprimands. Instead of telling kids what they did wrong, we can coach them to reflect on their choices. Coaching up, rather than criticizing down, helps kids think about their own behavior and how it impacts the people they love.
Criticism feels natural because it is fast. “Stop that.” “You’re being rude.” “You never listen.” But while those statements might stop the behavior in the moment, they rarely lead to lasting change.
Kids often hear criticism as judgment rather than guidance. A child who is told “You’re so messy” internalizes the label without learning a better way to clean up. A teenager told “You’re selfish” may shut down defensively instead of considering how their actions affect others. Criticism focuses on the problem but doesn’t show the path forward.
Worse, criticism can make kids believe their mistakes define them, rather than seeing mistakes as opportunities to learn. Coaching shifts that mindset.
Coaching Means Asking, Not Telling
Think about the best coaches you ever had. They didn’t just tell you what you did wrong. They asked questions, explained why a change mattered, and encouraged you to try again. Parents can do the same.
When your child makes a mistake, resist the urge to lecture. Instead, ask questions that prompt reflection.
Say this:
“How do you think your sister felt when you grabbed that toy?”
“What could you do differently next time so the milk doesn’t spill?”
“How would you feel if someone said that to you?”
Not that:
“Don’t be mean.”
“You’re so careless.”
“Stop being rude.”
The first set of questions gets your child to step into someone else’s shoes and see the bigger picture. The second set shuts the conversation down and leaves them stuck.
Balancing Directness With Thoughtfulness
Of course, there are moments when directness is non-negotiable. If a child is about to cross into traffic, the only thing to say is “Stop!” Safety comes first, and children need clear boundaries.
But when there’s time—after everyone calms down, after the sibling tears dry, after the milk is mopped up—parents can circle back for a conversation. That’s when coaching has the most impact. It gives kids the opportunity to connect their actions to real consequences and understand why change matters.
Techniques for Coaching Up
Here are some practical strategies that help coaching land:
Stay calm. Kids can’t reflect if they feel attacked. Take a breath before speaking.
Use empathy. Frame your questions with compassion. “I know you wanted that toy. How else could you get a turn without hurting your sister’s feelings?”
Focus on behavior, not character. “Throwing your clothes on the floor makes the room messy” is different from “You are messy.” One describes an action. The other labels a person.
Encourage problem-solving. Ask, “What can you do to fix this?” rather than fixing it for them.
Celebrate effort. Acknowledge when your child makes a better choice, even if it’s small. Growth is gradual.
Why It Works
Kids crave connection and understanding. When we coach instead of criticize, we show them that mistakes are part of learning, not proof that they are “bad.” They begin to see themselves as capable of growth. They also start to think more about how their actions impact the people around them.
This approach doesn’t just build better behavior. It builds stronger relationships. Your child learns that you are not just the rule enforcer, but the guide who helps them navigate challenges with patience and respect.
Coaching has an added bonus. It changes how we see our kids. Instead of bracing ourselves for every conflict, we begin to view misbehavior as an opportunity to teach. That shift lowers frustration and guilt. Instead of yelling and regretting it, we guide and feel good about it later.
Parenting is not about being perfect, and coaching up doesn’t mean you’ll never say “Don’t do that” again. Directness has its place, especially in urgent moments. But when time allows, asking thoughtful questions and encouraging reflection will help kids build self-awareness, empathy, and resilience.
Criticism might stop the behavior for a minute. Coaching helps your child choose better behavior for a lifetime. And along the way, it strengthens the bond between you and your child—because they’ll know you’re not just calling them out, you’re calling them forward.
